Self-care

Sometimes we humans get lost when we focus on externals, however there's a whole world within us that benefits from our own love and care. Our most reliable source of love and care is within ourselves. As adult human beings, we mature when we depend on ourselves, and ask for help when needed.

Self-care is a way of showing yourself some love, and building up your inner worth and trust in your own relationship with your inner self. Here are some possibilities and suggestions for self-care, to nudge you toward a stronger and more solid relationship with yourself:

Breathing

Our breathing affects our entire nervous system, and even our heart rate. If you're feeling tense or emotional, your breath naturally changes as your body begins to prepare a response to meet your needs, however this can be problematic if your body is reacting to something in the past. We'll come back to this in a moment. First just to say, that our breath is usually an automatic, unconscious process. Simply try observing your breath. You may start to become aware of your breath, as you notice the sensation of air passing through your nostrils, and down your throat. Maybe you will be able to sense your lungs expanding and contracting through your ribs in your back, and notice how your belly muscles also expand and release with each inhalation and exhalation, and even your hips rocking very slightly with each in-breath and out-breath. Be curious. You may notice, is your breath fast or slow, shallow or deep? Are there areas that feel stiff and tense or does your breath flow smoothly?

Simply Noticing: Usually, when someone is feeling relaxed and at ease their breath is deep and slow, and through the nose rather than the mouth. Breathing in through the nose warms and filters the air, and activates our parasympathetic 'rest & digest' nervous system state, whereas breathing through the mouth subtly activates the sympathetic 'stress' response. For this reason, it is usually preferable to breathe through the nose whenever possible. Sometimes, just by paying attention to our breath, because it is a focused activity that is emotionally neutral, we may start to feel calmer. When we notice our breath, we are bringing our curiosity and warm attention to explore the sensations of breathing without judgement. Just noticing, what is happening? 

Emotional Release: As our nervous system regulates, we may breath out some of the extra air and chemicals in our body that built up when we were feeling more charged and activated; this can take the form of a breath wave - a kind of sigh, and systemic fascia and muscle release from head to foot where the whole body relaxes, sometimes even tears come if we have been very tense. It happens naturally.

Conscious Breathing: Sometimes our body's stress response can benefit from a little extra support, if we've been suppressing our emotions as a way to cope. Some people find it beneficial to induce a more relaxed state through conscious breathing. This can be confused with controlling the breath, but we're not seeking to alter it significantly through force, rather we're gently exploring if another way of breathing might be possible. Whenever we breath consciously, the invitation is not to suck in or blow out lots of air in a stressful way, like we are forcing our bodies to do something. Instead you may want to imagine you are being asked to simply sip the air in little amounts, almost as if it's something you're curious about and want to savour.

Below are a few breath exercises that may support your emotional self-care. You don't need to try to read and practise them all now, instead I suggest scanning the titles, and see what calls your attention. You can always come back later:

1. Conscious breathing for intense fear, panic or emotional pain: a tried and tested technique for handling intense fear,  panic or emotional pain is to imagine you are breathing out as if you're breathing through a straw. You can use an actual straw if it helps, or just imagine it and purse your lips as if you have them around the straw. Breathe in a little slower through your nose and gently lengthen your exhale out through your mouth into the straw. This is often enough to begin to bring more calm and relaxation to your system in a moment of stress due to fear or panic.
2.  Conscious breathing for a greater sense of calm: there are many calming breath techniques that suggest counting seconds on the inhale and the exhale. It may be a matter of personal preference what works for you. Some guidelines are to start with 5/5 breathing i.e. breathing in through your nose to the count of 5 and breathing out through your mouth to the count of 5. Breathing out through the mouth for a while may support some anxiety release, but you may naturally find breathing through the nose is a settling baseline. You could extend the inhale and exhale to 7/11 and breathe in and out through the nose if that feels comfortable. Even a few breaths can make a difference, and usually the longer you practise the more beneficial it is i.e. 2 minutes, or even 10 minutes. You could replace the counting with words like "calm" (in-breath), "ease" (out-breath). Breathing is an art. 
3.  Conscious breathing for general stress and tension: this technique may be supportive when you feel emotional stress and tension has built up in your system, but you're in no danger of panic. Perhaps you have experienced some anger, or some stuckness, or feel slightly frazzled by something. Breathe softly and gently through the nose until your lungs are expanded in your chest, pause for a second and then release the breath through your mouth as a silent "aaah" as if you are steaming your glasses or the mirror (you might sound a little like Darth Vader!). Alternatively, you could open your mouth and move your tongue around the roof of your mouth until you activate a natural yawn (yawning activates the relaxation response for the body).
4. Conscious breathing for heart-brain coherence: did you know that the heart sends more neurological messages to the brain than the brain sends to the heart? The heart is not just a pump. Many ancient traditions with no geographical connection believed that the heart is an organ of spiritual perception. Modern scientists are studying heart rate variability (HRV), which is linked to how the brain and heart relate optimally, and generate a state called heart-brain coherence. To increase HRV and activate heart-brain coherence, one method is to combine 5/5 breathing with placing a hand on the heart, and focus on the heart as you do so. Imagine you could breathe in and out through the heart, and imagine you could spark a regenerative emotion such as appreciation, care, compassion or love. Some people find it helpful to think of a beautiful image or a person they care about. Research suggests that this technique activates a change in your body and mind biological system that supports emotional resilience and more coherent thoughts, and even greater creativity and intuition. It only takes a few minutes to feel some benefit.

Other tips include to combine breathing with movement, such as light stretching, slow walking, compassionate self-touch, or adjusting our posture, which can all enhance the emotionally regulating effects of conscious breathing. Once you've found a calmer inner place through breathing, you may also find it's easier to become more aware yet less activated by your thoughts and feelings, and be more meditative and mindful without any effort. Remember, you can return to conscious breathing at any time of day or night, though it's probably wise not to try and learn these techniques while driving or operating heavy machinery. Furthermore, some people enjoy a practice of sitting softly on a chair with their eyes closed, shoulders and neck relaxed, hands in the lap, and feet flat on the ground, while gently observing the breath or using a breath technique as a form of meditation, but it's definitely not for everyone.

Pause and Reflect

Offer yourself compassion by checking in with yourself regularly. You could pause, breathe and ask yourself kind and caring, enquiring questions such as: "What's going well?" / "What would make life more wonderful for me today?" / "What might my wisest and most compassionate, caring self say to myself right now?" / "How do I really feel, right now?"

When you ask yourself these questions, you might place a hand on your heart and close your eyes with the intention to be compassionate and caring toward whatever arises. You could also use this as a way to journal, by writing it all down.

Notice, with open, relaxed awareness and warm curiosity, if you can, what words, images and sensations arise in response to your enquiries. If you can, stay slightly outside the thoughts and feelings that are there, and just warmly notice them e.g. rather than "I'm stressed" you may phrase this as "I'm noticing there is some stress in me" or "part of me is feeling stressed."

It can be helpful to check our answers or responses, by asking: "What makes this so?" / "Is that really so?" / "What does this part of me need?" / "Am I sure?" and sometimes this can take us a little deeper beneath our initial defensive or protective emotions to find what else is there underneath.

If nothing comes up immediately, slowly persist. Take all the time you need to reflect, 15-minutes might be a good amount of time, but you can go for shorter or longer. Eventually you may find that in addition to longer, more reflective explorations, you can reflect and check in with yourself in small micro-moments. Regular attention to your relationship with your inner self, means you may become more aware of your inner world in a compassionate, responsive yet detached way, reflexively in the moment as you move through your daily life. You may include this awareness in your relationships and communication, if you would like to invite more connection with others.

This process is not about analysing or overthinking, it is about focusing and tuning into yourself. If the answer you get from yourself is "I don't know" or "I'm not sure" then be curious about that too, as for many of us, the answers we get are vague and fuzzy, and take a little time to sense. So take it slow.

Sleep

Sleep can be a delicate subject for some people. It can be very stressful not to get all the sleep you feel you need. Let's look at why sleep is important and what you can do to support yourself to get adequate rest.

Vital neurological repair work happens during REM sleep. Finding ways to take care of your sleep cycles may help you to heal emotional triggers and improve your mindset naturally. If you struggle to sleep, some slow and gentle exercise followed by relaxing in bed can help prepare the body for sleep. Also, having a light snack and dimming lights a few hours before bed can assist you to drop off more easily. 

Sleep in rounds if you need to - in fact, before the industrial revolution, most people slept in rounds at night, and took more rest breaks and naps in the day as well. Don't be hard on yourself to get "the right amount" of sleep all in one chunk, as this has the reverse effect of causing extra stress and pressure to be productive, even about sleep, which is totally not relaxing. 

Aim to wake up during light sleep if you can, rather than setting an alarm to wake you during deep sleep. Morning and evening rituals to close the day before you go to bed and greet the day when you wake up may support your sleep quality. This can be as simple as coffee in your favourite mug, and sitting still to listen to your favourite playlist as you come round, or getting into some soft, cosy pyjamas a few hours before bed and sitting in the same armchair to read with the lights dimmed. There may be natural variations, changes and added novelty in your routines, but overall consistency without pressure, is often soothing for the brain and nervous system.

Remember that caffeine and alcohol can stay in your blood stream for many hours and have a hormonal impact on your body's ability to relax, and can ultimately impact sleep quality, so you may want to choose alternatives rather than trying to use both chemicals to cancel each other out as it doesn't work effectively long-term. Furthermore, if you experience powerful dreams, then writing them down may help you to explore their emotional or symbolic significance.

Honour your Body

Be proactive in seeking adequate hydration, nutrition and suitable movement for your body.

Movement: Notice if you find yourself becoming overly stiff and serious... Allow yourself to laugh or yawn and stretch, or even dance or shake your whole body and limbs, when you need to let go. Even if you feel you need privacy from others when you do it. Our fascia and muscles often carry emotional holding patterns, so finding ways to move safely and gently in ways that explore our full range of comfortable motion can not only be hydrating and detoxifying for our tissues, but cleansing for our emotions too. This is part of the bodymind wisdom behind gentle practices like Qi Gong and Yoga. Experimenting with playful movement can help to reset your nervous system and refresh mental clarity. 

Touch: if you think you could be comfortable with it, experiencing consensual touch, such as through friendly cuddles and hugs from close ones, may enhance your sense of calm, connection and well-being. You could request a hug by asking someone: "would you like to share a hug?" and remember that their need may not be the same as yours if you don't receive a positive answer, and you can thank them for being honest and true to their needs. If you have no consenting companion, or if you just want to show yourself some love, then cuddle a cushion or hug yourself. Our animal companions often share lots of touch, because it is their main language to communicate with. Good quality massage therapy can also be complementary and supportive to your whole health.

Hydration and nutrition are also important to well-being. Rather than being restrictive or pressuring yourself to consume certain quantities and types of food, I suggest intuitive eating. This involves sensing your body, and enquiring along the lines of what would truly honour your body right now, and cherishing your body's biological needs, choosing foods that will be supportive.

Kindfulness

Be mindful of doing something kind for yourself every day e.g. savouring the flowers you come across on your walks, offering yourself experiences of beauty, regularly visiting a place in nature that helps you feel calm and grounded, exploring your special interests or participating in your favourite activities. Sometimes being kind to ourselves means also kindly and firmly saying "yes" or "no" to invitations and from other people when necessary. Sometimes being kind to ourselves isn't always understood, but if you want to make the world a kinder place, where people are resourced and well to look out for each other, then you may want to start with your own nose first, and work outwards from there.

Reflections: Did anything resonate for you in this post? What is one small thing you could take action on in the next 24 hours? There are so many more ways to practise self-care. Is there anything else you already do, or would like to do more of in future?

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