Defeating Toxic Shame

First let's start by acknowledging that not all shame is toxic. Shame is an emotion that infuses itself into our mind and body, and our choices and actions. It may come about as the result of beliefs and knowledge that we have learned and developed about ourselves, and about life. Shame is mostly developed through contact with other people who help us to understand our common humanity and what sustains our health, life and community. 

Shame arises from a sense of empathy and respect for ourselves and those around us, and encourages us to act in accordance with our true values and collective wisdom. Healthy shame serves as a moral compass, guiding us to recognise and rectify our errors and mistakes, which is part of the way that we learn and grow and it gives us accountability to ourselves and one another. For example, if healthy shame has a voice it would say: "I am worthy of love and feeling good about myself, even if I made a mistake. I am learning how to get this right."

On the other hand, toxic shame is characterised by feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and self-loathing, often stemming from beliefs about ourselves and our own worth formed in relational experiences of childhood neglect, abuse and judgement. Toxic shame undermines self-esteem and inhibits authentic self-expression, leading to patterns of self-sabotage and avoidance.It is corrosive to mental health and well-being. 

Healthy shame usually passes quickly, however toxic shame lingers in association with an unresolved sense of self, and unhealed traumas. It dwells inside many of us from childhood, and for those of us who are from marginalised communities such as sex workers, LGBTQ+ people, people of colour, people with neurodivergence or disabilities, toxic shame may be enforced by cumulative experiences of stigmatisation. If toxic shame had a voice it would say: "I am a worthless wretch, I'm good for nothing and I am angry at myself and everyone because I have to try so hard." 

It's important to stop toxic shame in its tracks. You can do this by identifying and challenging negative thoughts and beliefs that contribute to feelings of shame. Ask yourself if such thoughts are rational and based on accurate information, or if they are distorted by criticism, doubt or painful past memories. Give yourself some compassion and empathy, which is probably what you needed in the past, but were unable to receive, then let go of the shame. Replace negative thoughts with more balanced and realistic perspectives. 

Also, set boundaries and assertively communicate your needs, if you are in a social environment that triggers toxic shame in you. Speak up for yourself and communicate; risk connecting authentically to let people understand you. People are actually your best support because empathy and compassion toward who you are, including all aspects of you, however different or vulnerable that you may feel, puts an end to shame. 


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